A Wild Lifestyle - Before God Touched Me

Béatrice - Bordeaux, France

Salut! My name is Béatrice, I come from Marseille and I’d like to tell you the story of my messy life before God had mercy on me and saved me. Even though I believed in God, and prayed in times of trouble, I lived as though He didn’t exist at all.

When I was a child we used to go to church every Sunday and it was a bad thing if we missed any church service. I grew up as a Catholic and every night before going to bed I prayed to God with my Mum or Dad. When I asked questions like, how could Jesus be at different places at the same time, or see everything we did, I had to shut up because adults didn’t have the answers for me. My education was strict at home and our parents kept a close eye on my sister and I, and they did their best to make me happy. Somehow I was never satisfied with other people (I had big problems socialising), and at school some boys were nasty to me. I had very good marks though. In order to escape my daily routine, I started drinking beer and eating fat pasta after school, which pleased me in a way. I found myself dumpy and of little interest to others.

As a teenager I didn’t get on with my parents, there was an argument at least every day, especially with my dad who didn’t like my foolish mind. I got to know a fortune teller who quickly became my best friend and idol. I trusted her and expected her to tell me everything about my future life. I spent a lot of money to hear her promises. This lady sold me potions for love and well-being: a complete illusion! I expected changes in my life, but they only occurred for a while or not at all. She had the power to play with my weak heart and make me believe lies. This is how it all started with my hunger for esoteric. This gave me a kind of secure feeling as I felt understood. I was looking for the Truth.

One day I took an opportunity to go to Germany to get away from my family’s control, from the French mentality, from the university where I didn’t want to go anyway… I wanted freedom. I wanted to rule my life, without laws from anybody else. I completely lacked respect for myself and I was attracting guys who would not respect me either. During that time I was working as an Au-Pair girl and I had a very sad experience when I lost a boyfriend who committed suicide. I then cried everyday for 9 months and always talked to God. I believed that the dead could help me live on the Earth and bear the emptiness and depression inside of my soul.

Shortly after that I married a Muslim guy in order to enable him to work in Europe; I was in love and didn’t care about tomorrow. I suffered a lot because we were so different. Twice I had provoked him and he reacted violently: he strangled me and I really thought he would kill me. Every night was like a nightmare. The fortune teller warned me several times that I could fall pregnant and when that really happened, I cried to her begging for her help. She was influencing my actions and the Talisman I once got from her brought me more suffering than real solutions. I decided to abort as neither myself nor my partner were ready or willing to take responsibilities. I knew deep inside that it was not right regarding the Lord who once gave me life. During my relationship, I had an affair with another guy who was in love with me, but I didn’t care about him, all I wanted was his money and support in times of difficulties. I was very moody and enjoyed playing a game of power and seduction, because it made me feel both important and worthy. I was so scared of staying alone. I had different affairs, I didn’t care about morals. My relationships with men were very emotional and full of guilty feelings. I got to know many people in discos, on the street, at work: nice people and mean people. I worked hard during the week in order to survive, at the weekend I was dancing a lot and drinking wine or beer to drown my sorrows. Most of my friends were taking drugs or smoking, I was not tempted to try, thanks to God. I was attracted to people living in poverty, as I thought I could get them out of this dark world. I wanted to love them and share my laughter and tears with them. I trusted in my own power, which robbed me plenty of energy. Determined to give my soul and make these guys free, I tried to help suicidal guys, depressed or paranoid people. Of course I was becoming like them as I had no way of protecting myself: I didn’t care about what “could happen” to me. I wanted to enjoy each day and leave it up to circumstances. My parents were very concerned about me but they couldn’t do anything against my stubbornness.

After months of prayers, I got to know a chap in Germany, it was love at first sight. This new boy-friend and I moved in together and we shared a lustful relationship, being dependent on each other. We loved and hated each other. We could never get satisfied, as it was hard to make concessions for both of us. We hoped to find a God or Goddess in the partner. Jealousy and emotional blackmail was our daily schedule. We had violent times together, with items flying through our flat. The flesh can be so strong, hateful and ready to every awful action. We didn’t know God yet...

At some point I changed my mind / ideals and believed deeply in Ying and Yang. I thought evil is in the good and good in the evil. I still believed in God, but this mysterious HE looked the way I wanted Him to be!

As most of the people do nowadays, I composed my own God, taking the good and leaving the bad out of different philosophies / beliefs. I was interested in different religions and was looking for a group of people who would share the same belief. But each time I got to know people who practised a religion, I was upset because their behaviour wasn’t following their words / rituals. I could see the hypocrisy in their lives. I didn’t want to stick to their strange ideas. I think God gave me the discernment to understand that men / women are self-sufficient and arrogant, but I needed God, because my heart was empty even if my body was content. I was questioning that God as to WHY things happen. The truth couldn’t be this sad life on the Earth only! I liked Buddhism and animism. I believed in the power of nature. I put all my hope in Reiki, in Anthroposophy, in New Age, in positive thinking. I could only channel my energy if there was any pleasure to be found. At this stage, I ignored God but my conscience told me that the couple of abortions I had, were crimes in His eyes. I was living in guilt and was thinking of suicide everyday. Sometimes I went so far with my foolishness that I didn’t even know if I had contracted Aids or if I was pregnant. I lived with the dirty feeling of use and abuse. I was studying Art Therapy and had the expectation that it would heal me from a sick mind. One day when a student had committed suicide, I knew in my heart this could happen to me as well, as the problems in my mind were not solved. I felt miserable and wicked. The evil things I had done were heavy to bear. I knew that neither knowledge nor teacher or friend would be there to save me from death! I needed a deep change inside, turning me from a wicked girl into a good one. Nobody in the world had the power to forgive me, I knew it. During ten years I have been trying to change my being in practising rituals at home, “chasing” bad spirits. Witchcraft and magic were fascinating me as I could control some people or influence them! I was going to church sometimes to talk to God and weep about my debauched life.

On Christmas Eve in the year 2000, after a day of work, I felt so lonely that I prayed to the Lord with tears that He would show me a sign if He was alive. A few minutes later I went into the Cathedral in Bremen and met some Christians at the entrance who gave me a leaflet. I thought “what a strange cult” but I started a conversation with Jan. I wanted to check how “boring” this Christian guy was. I could feel he was not like most of my friends: he had something more that I couldn’t define. We chatted about healing and I listened to the things he said about our adversary Satan who wants to destroy our souls. Nobody had preached to me about Satan before; nobody had told me that God, as a loving Creator, doesn’t want us to suffer, that He makes us free through the blood of Jesus. On the very next day I knew in my heart that I had to make a decision and stop with my messy life. I was willing to trust HIM as all my efforts had only brought chaos in my life. Two weeks later I gave up my life to Jesus: my esoteric studies, my foolish convictions, my mixture of religions and my so called spirituality that was void of sense. Jesus who died once on the cross was making me free. He gave me understanding for spiritual things through His Spirit. The Holy Spirit indeed is the one who gives us life and reveals to us the hidden things. With my own spirit I could only understand the human mind which is limited in comparison to God’s mind. With Jesus’ Spirit I can see through things happening inside of me. I often got in trouble because I had refused God in my life! I stopped believing in the esoteric that had become dangerous, being in contact with bad spirits. I got baptised and received the Holy Spirit with the sign of speaking in other tongues, and gained the joy of the Lord, as well as peace through God’s mercy. You know, it was more overwhelming than all the moments of pleasure and laughter I had ever had. MARK 10:27 says: "... With men it is impossible, but not with God: for with God all things are possible.” I gained a living faith!

Jesus changed me as He took the desire for short pleasures out of me, He took off me the desire to die. He took the need for alcohol, the need for fornication, as the Scriptures say that sin starts in the mind, not in the body. It is Jesus who makes us free from sin, only Him; I tried several ways, but no therapy can do God’s work. The itinerary was wild and hard sometimes, but God decided to destroy the works of the flesh in me. I felt the power of Jesus in me. Instead of following my feelings, I choose to follow Jesus and please Him. He is the Truth who was revealed to me, I can’t deny His power. It is not a group of Christians who told me what I had to change, but God showed me the sins in my life! After spending so much time and bearing a negative mind with long efforts, God decided that it would stop there and He gave me a second chance! The Bible says we are new creatures when we give up our lives to God. This is a mighty thing that each individual can experience, if you want to get to know God. The Bible is not a dusty history book on a shelf, but a practical handbook that God uses to speak to us. When I’ve got an argument with somebody for example, I just open my Bible to know what God would do in that situation and how I should react. The Bible is talkative, it is living. Thanks to God I have today a very good relationship to my parents and we trust each other and can talk openly.

When I got saved I remembered that my grandmother used to pray a lot for me. She believed in the Bible and knew it was the Truth. As a teenager I didn’t listen to her warnings. Now I understand that God used her prayers to protect me. The Holy Spirit can guide you as well.

Since I’ve been living in the Lord, I have experienced healings and blessings. God has made me stop drinking. God gave me a job each time I needed one, He gave me finances for my trip to England (see testimony in “Financial Blessings”), he made me stop tasting the short and bad things of life, He made me stop living for Satan. My parents and old friends have seen the change in me. I personally have seen the healing of a former friend being released from drugs through prayer. Jesus made him completely free from heroin that he used to take for 10 years. Since then he hasn’t taken any hard drug. He is free because Jesus died for that.

It is a good job to do God’s work, to testify of His great power in our lives, and a great happiness to get to know the Bible. Each day is new and God will use us to show others how to become a new creature (see 2 CORINTHIANS 5:17 “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new.”) Jesus is faithful while we are so weak. What we don’t understand, He does; what we cannot save, He does! God touched me to save my spirit, mind and body from the corruption. He helped me to overcome my frivolous mind. Only Jesus gives this FREEDOM. If we will obey God and His commands, we can find happiness. The life with Jesus is far from being boring, because I experience things everyday that bring me close to God. Even if I have trials and temptations today, I know that it is Jesus who helps me overcome. I’ve been a Christian since 2001. God has blessed me with a christian friend who is eagerly following the Lord and with whom I share my life. God is great and patient, always full of love. And he blessed me as well with the kind of job I longed for; I really like it! PSALM 37:3-4 says: “Trust in the LORD, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed. Delight thyself also in the LORD; and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.”

If you are not sure what Jesus would like to do in your life, then pray sincerely about your situation just now, and ask God to come into your heart. You may think you’re already saved, but look: God has many more blessings for you, if you only forsake your own ways… Jesus can fill you with His Spirit and take away the bad things out of your mind, as He did for me!

Praised be His Holy name!

Béatrice